I may have crossed the line but i know a lot of you is only hoping the best for me.

It was my weak moment, to snap like that. I was scared. No one really understand what is going on inside me. If i weren’t strong enough, i don’t think i can be where i am right now. Thinking about my pregnancy scares me.

I can’t think further than the next day. I take it day by day. I feel my boobs so often to make sure that they are still sore. I checked my nipples everyday. I checked my panty liners to ensure there’s no spotting or bleeding. When you have no clue whether you are still pregnant or not, you’ll do what i do.

I am paranoid. I am afraid that if i don’t put enough attention about these symptoms, i may missed it. I could have missed all the signs, like how i missed all my signs for the last 2 pregnancies. Both of them are missed miscarriages. You have no clue that the baby’s gone until you have your ultrasound. When it happens twice, you become paranoid.

True, there are miracles out there. He knows what’s best for us. I decided then that i would go with whatever recommendations coming my way. There is something about fighting the inevitable. I didn’t want to prolong my suffering, so we made those decisions. Those instincts that you have; it’s there for a reason. All i know was if it’s not there, then let’s get it over with. I had weekly checkups, i had jabs every week, i had done transvaginal ultrasounds every checkups (yes, through my vagina) because my gynae wanted to make extremely sure that it’s not there. And when she said, there’s no hope, then i accepted her words.

These painful experiences turned me back to God. i’ve been asking for a lot of things although i used to be so ignorant. So far, He has granted my wishes but i know there’s still a long road ahead of me. And i am still scared. There is a lot of things that can still go wrong.

I cannot describe my feelings when i first heard its heart beats. Our little one is strong. To see its little heart beats so fast, subhanallah. Words failed me.

My first battle has been won.

My only regret is that my dearest husband, my pillar of strength, my love, can’t witness that moment with me. He saw me on my weak moments, he held me when i was weak, it’s only right if he was there too

I have my own milestones. I have never crossed 8 weeks successfully. Alhamdulillah, i am 8 weeks today.

My next milestone will be passing 14 weeks. We’ll take it small, we’ll take it slow.

Thank you everyone for the support and the prayers. I couldn’t be here without the prayers and the supports from everyone.

Had a real bad sore throat at first (one that woke me up every hour just to cough). My gynae only prescribed me with medicated strepsils; didn’t work.

First, with my pregnancy. It was quite a scare when the first u/s had not been what i expected. Using my own calculations, i expected myself to be around 6 weeks. Imagined my disappointment when the gynae told me, in her solemn voice, that it was way, way too small. The scan machine can’t even date the sac!

We did UPT again (weak positive, but i had 3 toilet breaks before that so i guess it was expected?) and a blood test to determine my hcg levels.

I had 2 days of light, pinkish spotting before the appointment so i was pretty down knowing that this might not happen again.

This gynae wanted me warded, bed rest. I didn’t informed my parents that i went for a checkup and i’ve been texting with DH giving him the updates.

I was crying too. I’ve lost count how many times i have cried in that hall way. Not a pretty memory.

Funnily enough, when i thought i was waiting to be assigned a bed, i was called in by another gynae.

Wanted case? Haha.

This gynae had a different outlook. She got me 2 hormones jab (1 for hcg, another for i can’t recall) and prescribed me with duphaston.

I came out of that room feeling a little bit better and i didn’t have to be warded. But i imposed bed rest for myself. Hehe.

I had another checkup the week after. This time, alhamdulillah, the sac’s got bigger (measuring 4w1d) and my blood test last week came out in my favour (hcg level at 564; around 3 weeks).

I was seen by the first gynae. She injected me with an oil-based hcg hormones and reduced my duphaston intake as well.

The next checkup will be in 2 weeks. If i were to be seen by the other gynae, i would have a weekly checkups and weekly hormone jabs. Different doctors have different styles

It will be a huge milestone, the next checkup. It’ll be on our 8 weeks. I’ve never passed 8 weeks before. Well, successfully at least.

I lost my first pregnancy at around 8-9 weeks, the second one around 6-7 weeks so yeah, if this is it, it will be a huge step for us.

I dreamt that i’ve lost the baby. The fact that i am feverish, battling with persistent dry cough (i was expecting i’d expelled something from my body with every cough), and flu really didn’t help me staying positive.

I dreamt i lost the baby before too. I just hope this time it didn’t come true.

Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity. It will have [the consequence of] what [good] it has gained, and it will bear [the consequence of] what [evil] it has earned. “Our Lord, do not impose blame upon us if we have forgotten or erred. Our Lord, and lay not upon us a burden like that which You laid upon those before us. Our Lord, and burden us not with that which we have no ability to bear. And pardon us; and forgive us; and have mercy upon us. You are our protector, so give us victory over the disbelieving people.” [2:286]

And We charge no soul except [with that within] its capacity, and with Us is a record which speaks with truth; and they will not be wronged. [23:62]

It is You we worship and You we ask for help [1:5]

finally decided to give myself the bug though i cheated, since all these photos were taken using my D60. hehe.

Downtown Calgary, March 2011

Marina Mall, March 2012, Abu Dhabi

Farewell Lunch, Calgary, March 2011

my super-intelligent and talented colleagues. 85% of them (11/13) have MSc and Ph.Ds. except me who only has a lowly BEng T_T

Lake Louise, Banff, March 2011 – 2nd take

She said, “My Lord, how will I have a child when no man has touched me?” [The angel] said, “Such is Allah ; He creates what He wills. When He decrees a matter, He only says to it, ‘Be,’ and it is. [3:47]

His command is only when He intends a thing that He says to it, “Be,” and it is. [36:82]

Subhanallah. Allahu Akbar.

And do not insult those they invoke other than Allah , lest they insult Allah in enmity without knowledge. Thus We have made pleasing to every community their deeds. Then to their Lord is their return, and He will inform them about what they used to do

[Al-'An'am, 108]

it started with my flight from AUH to KUL early Saturday morning. we were at the airport by 10 PM – i so did not want to trouble DH so late in the night. my flight was supposed to depart at 240 AM.

there was some problem when i tried to get through the passport control. since the people there worked extremely slow, they couldn’t get my visa done by the time i had to leave. i couldn’t leave the country until i get my current temporary visa cancelled, which means, all the procedures of obtaining a residence visa will have to be done again when i come back -______________________-”

anyway, i expected the airport to be as big as KLIA, if not bigger. alas, i was wrong. the Terminal 3 departure area, i think, was as big as the KKIA.

i was told pretty late in the night about the 4 hours flight delay. with no comfortable place to take a nap, no jackets or outerwear to keep me warm, it was the most uncomfortable 6 hours i had ever been in an airport.

i was feeling nauseous from the caffeine and probably from skipping dinner (i thought i could get my dinner in the flight itself but due to the delay, i had my dinner quite late). empty stomach + caffeine = a big NO NO.

by 4 AM, the place was rather quiet. people were seen sleeping on the floor, on the chair, under the chairs. in short, anywhere that was possible.

but i couldn’t sleep. i had my latte before i went through passport control so i was basically screwed.

and it was just so cold i felt like crying. the feeling when you were so cold and you had nothing to keep you warm, is something i don’t think i want to go through again.

in retrospect, i could have asked for a blanket from the etihad counters…

i finally able to doze off after awhile but woke up with a terrible backache. i slept on a (hard surfaced) chair so you can imagine how uncomfortable that was.

i couldn’t stand the cold any longer and bought myself a hot cocoa. it worked like magic life simplest pleasure, eh?

and at 640 AM, we boarded the flight and i slept all the way. i wanted to watch the 2nd Sherlock Holmes movie on board but i was just couldn’t stayed awake any longer.

then, work hit my like a train on Monday. it was superbly packed all day and all the extra work had to be done at home, well until after midnight. it continued on until the third day.

on the third day, caffeine could no longer helped me stay awake – i was half dead, and to this day, i couldn’t exactly recall what i did that day because i was way below conscious level -______-

that night, i slept from 8 until 6 AM. i woke up around midnight (i guess my body was telling me i should perform my isya’ first), DH forced me to go back to sleep afterwards.

i promised to myself not to go through the same experience again because, boy, that was really one of the most horrible experience i have ever gone through. try and go through 3 days of workdays with only 2-3 hours sleep everyday, you’ll see what i mean.

but Alhamdulillah, everything went well. the big boss is happy, the client is happy. i am happy

initially, the client had requested me to stay here for 6 months starting this month but i’m so, so, so very glad that my big boss was there in the meeting and put his foot down to say no, in what i would say the most polite and politically correct way one could do in such situation

been a long time since i last wrote about work, ey? it’s nice change of routine, somewhat

]]> http://devilishskool.wordpress.com/2012/04/27/wishing-and-hoping/feed/ 0 oldskool_devil http://devilishskool.wordpress.com/2012/04/18/ldm/ http://devilishskool.wordpress.com/2012/04/18/ldm/#comments Tue, 17 Apr 2012 20:13:22 +0000 firah http://devilishskool.wordpress.com/2012/04/18/ldm/ ]]>

it’s his birthday today, my dearest sweetheart.

this year, both of us celebrated each other’s birthday away from each other. such is life for us.

The three is all that’s good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath the vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine

For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic

I know I’ll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality

When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three

As quietly co-waltzing by,
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands

Our square root signs become unglued
Your love for me has been renewed

poem written by David Feinberg. i first heard this poem in Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay. sweet, isn’t it?

the poem taken from this link

i felt a rush of emotions when i read tweets about the latest earthquakes hitting Acheh. My thoughts and prayers goes to everyone in Acheh. to survive during an earthquake attack is one thing, but i guess the main fear for me is to survive after the attacks. roads could be cut off, food supplies could run out, wide spread diseases, cholera for example, could kill you if the earthquake didn’t. without a proper coordination, loads of people could die AFTER an earthquake instead of DURING the earthquake.

If you study the map above (taken from this link) you’ll notice that Malaysia is located somewhat in the middle of the Eurasian plate. Geography taught me that volcanoes and earthquakes happen at places where 2 plates meet.

and hence why, back in the old days, Malacca was one of the sought-after port in the world. peninsular Malaysia, mainly Malacca, is literally guarded by Indonesia from earthquakes and/or tsunami.

i was made enlightened by this fact when i was reading Bill Bryson’s book, A Short History of Nearly Everything. a good read if you like to scheme through the world history, starting from the big bang theory.

i felt that i was indeed VERY lucky to be born in Malaysia, a country saves from natural disasters. Allah the Almighty blessed me with this country of peace and blessed me with Islam.

even with this fact, i still have the cheek to disobey His orders.

What if i was not the chosen few and be born in a non-muslim family? will i ever found Islam?

Astaghfirullah.