The last few days had been really stressful. It was a couple of days before my next checkup is due. I was worried, work was a chore and i felt nauseous. My sore throat is still bugging me, i retched a couple of times too. Sometimes i was confused whether i am nauseous because of my pregnancy or i felt like vomiting because of the sore throat.
I may have crossed the line but i know a lot of you is only hoping the best for me.
It was my weak moment, to snap like that. I was scared. No one really understand what is going on inside me. If i weren’t strong enough, i don’t think i can be where i am right now. Thinking about my pregnancy scares me.
I can’t think further than the next day. I take it day by day. I feel my boobs so often to make sure that they are still sore. I checked my nipples everyday. I checked my panty liners to ensure there’s no spotting or bleeding. When you have no clue whether you are still pregnant or not, you’ll do what i do.
I am paranoid. I am afraid that if i don’t put enough attention about these symptoms, i may missed it. I could have missed all the signs, like how i missed all my signs for the last 2 pregnancies. Both of them are missed miscarriages. You have no clue that the baby’s gone until you have your ultrasound. When it happens twice, you become paranoid.
True, there are miracles out there. He knows what’s best for us. I decided then that i would go with whatever recommendations coming my way. There is something about fighting the inevitable. I didn’t want to prolong my suffering, so we made those decisions. Those instincts that you have; it’s there for a reason. All i know was if it’s not there, then let’s get it over with. I had weekly checkups, i had jabs every week, i had done transvaginal ultrasounds every checkups (yes, through my vagina) because my gynae wanted to make extremely sure that it’s not there. And when she said, there’s no hope, then i accepted her words.
These painful experiences turned me back to God. i’ve been asking for a lot of things although i used to be so ignorant. So far, He has granted my wishes but i know there’s still a long road ahead of me. And i am still scared. There is a lot of things that can still go wrong.
I cannot describe my feelings when i first heard its heart beats. Our little one is strong. To see its little heart beats so fast, subhanallah. Words failed me.
My first battle has been won.
My only regret is that my dearest husband, my pillar of strength, my love, can’t witness that moment with me. He saw me on my weak moments, he held me when i was weak, it’s only right if he was there too 
I have my own milestones. I have never crossed 8 weeks successfully. Alhamdulillah, i am 8 weeks today.
My next milestone will be passing 14 weeks. We’ll take it small, we’ll take it slow.
Thank you everyone for the support and the prayers. I couldn’t be here without the prayers and the supports from everyone.
though i cheated, since all these photos were taken using my D60. hehe.
