i hate PMS.
i really do. especially if it hits when hubby isn’t around. having hubby around, i won’t have to think about it. actually, i won’t even have time for myself. it’s good, you know, so i don’t have to be feeling like this. i hate this.
all those pain and sadness, loneliness and heartache that had not mattered before, came snowballing to me. and when the dam breaks, all hell breaks loose.
i’m only one person. i can’t deal with all these by myself. i’m just one person…
i really want us to be a family. i want to hear the heartbeat on the monitor, feeling the kick in the tummy, going through childbirth, raising kids our way. i want to be annoyed when the baby throw his tantrums, refusing milk or food, nipple cracks, back pains… you name it. i want to feel the tiredness of having to care for a toddler who just found his feet. i want to run around, chasing after my baby.
right now, i am willing trade in everything just so i could be annoyed at my own kid.
i feel like i’m missing out on the greatest thing out there when everyone else is sharing their joy, enjoying through their pregnancies.
mommyhood has been eluding me.
i won’t complain on lack of sleep. i won’t complain on being exhausted. i won’t complain of not having enough for myself. i won’t complain if the baby sucks all my energy just so i can take care of him/her.
somehow, i miss my baby. can we miss something that isn’t even real?
i feel so powerless.
i feel like giving up.
lola
January 12, 2012 at 1:58 pm
don’t give up, hang in there, it’s just a bad day
firah
January 12, 2012 at 2:13 pm
i know
it’s just a moment of weakness. but i had to let it out once in awhile. even tough people has its bad day, kan? hehe.
annonymous
January 12, 2012 at 3:58 pm
Dear Firah,
I somehow had stumbled upon your blog..and the reason that I stumbled was I was finding solace as to whether are there women out there who was feeling exactly how you were feeling, because I felt so alone, so left out, when every other friends/aquintace is being so fertile and popping babies like its no big deal. When here I am, wondering..what’s wrong with me? I have gone to the extend at looking forlornly at other people’s babies and feeling in despair when a relative asks “dah ada belum?”. Dear God, I could never describe to you how it felt being asked that question..I have even wondered, was I missed out because He knew that I’d be a bad mother..? :’(
So I take it one day at a time..some days are good, others, are bad..But I’ll say a little prayer for you, cause I know how the sorrow feels too..
firah
January 12, 2012 at 4:49 pm
:’(
some days, i don’t even remember what had happened before, like everything is perfect in this world. like i had never gone through a miscarriage, let alone 2 miscarriages.
some days, i feel like curling up on my bed and sleep the aches away.
how do we heal an invisible wound anyway? there’s no scar, there’s nothing to be seen. we can’t bandage our pain, can we? physically, we are very healthy. if only everyone can see what we really feel inside, they would stop asking these stupid questions everytime they see us. “dah ada ke belum”. as if getting pregnant is what makes the world go ’round. they make jokes and thinks we are OK just because we can smile and laugh. they ask very sensitive questions, completely disregard the fact that we too have feelings. i’m just frustrated at times at how self-absorb these people can be.
oh yes, i know i’m getting old and i know it’s no fun to be spending our old age just the two us. OK, let’s shopping for baby tomorrow! /sarcasm.
sometimes i do think that every single one of them are selfish for sharing their big news with me. social networks, with their up-to-date feeds, is really a thorn sometimes. looking at newborn babies always trigger my waterworks and they leave me wanting.
at times, giving up hope is something i really want to do.
all i have now with me is faith. a belief that He knows what is best for us.
thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. i have been trying to say what i feel for ages but the words never comes. i’ll keep you in my prayers too
lola
January 13, 2012 at 10:31 am
your comments and stories have made me feel so emotional lately! i wish that God will bless you with what you need the most, and dont ever worry about being a bad mother. no mother is perfect, but we love them just the same. insyaAllah, ladies, have faith, cry in the showers if u need to, and hold on to positivity
firah
January 13, 2012 at 10:25 pm
oh no. i didn’t mean to make anyone sad
but thank you for your kind words, and indeed, being positive is the key to be happy
Ayu
January 15, 2012 at 2:29 pm
Salam firah.. Be strong k.. Jgn sedih2.. Stiap ujian Allah tu hanya utk dkatkn kita pd Allah. Dan Allah byk bfirman yg Dia sentiasa dgn org yg sabar.. Usaha dan byk berdoa k. Jgn putus asa utk ikhtiar k.. Hope this might also help:
http://ms.m.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Usaha_untuk_kehamilan_secara_semulajadi&mobileaction=view_normal_site
firah
January 15, 2012 at 4:11 pm
thanks ayu.
getting pregnant is not the problem for me, alhamdulillah, since i was already pregnant, twice. the problem is making the pregnancy viable.